Smoke Break
Jillian Calling: On self-soothing in womanhood.
Before I contribute, I should introduce myself. hi, I am the producer of Landlines, a podcast created by Allison, Hope and Jaymie. I love receiving invitations to open and honest conversations with other women. I am a New Yorker, and my career is in the entertainment industry. Motherhood has been like creative kindling, ideally. There is so much to say, so I’ll be quick, “Long time listener, first time caller.” Let’s see how this goes, shall we? Xx Jillian
It’s 10 am. I am in my neighborhood, on my way home from the gym, when I notice a trendy new smoke shop. The shop is open and there’s a sign out front that says: ‘get high’. To be clear, I’m not a smoker, I don’t drink much nowadays, and I am far too self-conscious for weed. But the sign is groovy y’all and these shops tend to sell ‘mom grass’, a low grade CBD product, so I dip in.
An attendant asks to see my ID. I glance around. Is 10am a normal time to walk into this shop? Turns out, not really. The space is empty, and so curated it feels…simulated. So I’m like a Sim, directionless, when the chillest person I’ve ever laid eyes on waves me over. Are you looking for anything in particular? she asks, and suddenly I’m aware that even though I’ve flashed my ID, I can be anyone I want in here.
***
I bought CBD pre-rolls because the truth is, I am who I am.
The pack of prerolls was branded ‘airplane mode’, a non-THC, the kind of so-low-grade-it’s-pathetic-preroll that is about as subtle as it gets. If I were to do less, I’d be that kid in class sniffing Elmers thinking I was getting high off glue. But that’s the thing, this particular impulse purchase was never about getting high. Not really. It was about quieting the noise of my busy day and reclaiming a moment to myself.
That night, after an hour of pinballing around my house, mindlessly straightening up after our toddler-bedtime routine, I searched our utility drawers for a match to light the aforementioned joint, but no luck. I spotted a lighter-wand—the one we use for Chanukah candles–and I grabbed it. Clearly, this was going to be clunky.
On a typical evening, I lose myself to folding laundry or ordering miscellaneous items on Amazon followed by a speedy face wash and into bed. Tonight looked different. I went out to my backyard and I huffed and I puffed (clunky, just like I said) and I decompressed without doing some other distracted activity or lightly stressful chore. Then, I steadied. Was it the CBD? A placebo? Either way, I relaxed. I sat back and wondered why self-soothing with CBD worked so well for me, and who - if anyone - could relate.
***
A few weeks later, I am communing with a few other moms. Our children and partners are miraculously occupied. We talk about our days, our kids’ days, and inevitably we’re all talking about how we need a mental break.
That’s when one of us side-eyes the others and says I just take a gummy, y’all. I lean in, she goes on: All I need is a microdose after I get [kid name] down. It’s like I had one beer, it’s nothing, really. –But, it takes the edge off. We all nod.
We women, we moms, we are wound up, we ache, we are rundown or burnt out, and we all have found a way to self-soothe. One by one, we chime in: one of us just started attending evening sound baths, one of us is getting expensive facials “way too often”, one of us is drinking a glass of pinot gris (old school girlie!), and one of us just started taking a hemp-based herbal supplement before bed.
I leave this therapeutic circle reminded that it is totally normal to seek out a moment of chill amidst the chaos. I’m also sensing a theme. For some of us, cannabinoids are calling, more loudly than, say, an expensive facial.
***
As a teenager, I adopted this idea that experimenting with weed was part of a rite of passage. In hindsight, I think that what drew any of us to cannabis was, unremarkably, a story of raging hormones. Our biological networks were on overdrive. It was as if we were at parties trying to smoke out our own discomfort-bees. As a new mom, what about my current condition evokes this hankering? My hunch is that it’s once again the hormones. But a hunch isn’t enough, and so I went searching for science-based research.
Here’s what I learned. Apparently, there’s such a thing as an endocannabinoid system. This is a system that we (royal we) recently-ish discovered, and, not surprisingly, it plays a huge role in female health because our bodies are sensitive to fluctuations.
The endocannabinoid system regulates hormones, influences fertility and stress responses to PMS, and yes, late-reproductive/perimenopause/menopause symptoms. When this system is out of balance, we ladies experience everything. From recent experience, this could mean the impacts of postpartum hormonal shifts, insomnia, night sweats, headaches. Speaking for myself, it’s like living in a hangover. And what helps a hangover? CBD.
CBD interacts with endocannabinoid receptors and actually calms inflammation. (Anyone who’s ever rubbed a bit of CBD cream on their neck or feet to reduce pain understands the effects.) So, when its use is monitored, CBD actually assists with restoring balance and can smooth the impacts of a hormonal roller coaster.
I digest this new information and I feel vindicated. See, it’s not all in my head(!) Our external environment brews a kind of internal fatigue and our bodies physiologically signal us to when we need to take it easy, so it makes perfect sense that women are reaching for something to wind us down at the end of our days.
Obviously, some stuff will be better for us, personally, than others: they say, drink a cup of tea. They say, listen to music. Do you. I say, I’m gonna stand outside and look up at the moon and feel newly free to take a drag if I need it.
Thumbnail credit: “The Stoner” (2025), Karyn Lyons
What a beautiful connection of finding peace in something simple while also learning about our bodies and the ‘why’ of needing those moments. Thank you!
I love the curious mind and beating heart in this essay.